ultras in heaven

october 29, 1958 - may 13, 2004

it amazes me how a single day can feel so close yet so distant at the same time. mom, when we lost you five years ago i was a mess -- a sophomore without a clue as to where my life was headed. through tears and fond memories, days when i feel like i just need to disappear, shut out the world, and chase you in conversation as we run for miles and miles up a beautiful mountain trail, i have found a way to cope. you shared your vibrant life with us through your passion for running and mother nature... something i have since come to embrace. i would love to catch up with you some time so you can see how profoundly you've impacted my life. i'm always thinking of you. i bet the ultras in heaven have incredible aid stations...

love always,

brendan

down and out

well, i did it. i'm an idiot.

just as i thought i might, i came out of last week's 'rehab' process with a false sense of security... confidence that my diligence had paid off and i was poising to bounce back.

WRONG.

mistake #1: i woke up saturday feeling chipper. after some brief deliberation, i strapped on my asics and went out for 9 miles. although i felt stiff and slow, i presumed it was the byproduct of a week worth of cross-training.

mistake #2: i woke up sunday with an ever-so-slight twinge in my knee. the rest of my felt surprisingly good though so i shrugged it off and set out to run the arboretum. much of my stiffness was gone and i felt good -- so good in fact that i tacked a few extra miles on the end of my run. i went to sleep last night all charged about resuming my morning routine this week.

mistake #3: this morning my knee did not feel good. not at all. but no, i wasn't going to let this rain on my parade. after all, it's the hip i've been struggling with and it feels relatively good. so off i went to circumnavigate greenlake. at exactly 1.75 miles into my run my knee began screaming at me, and for the first time in memory i came grinding to an absolute halt.

knowing damn well what was going on but not wanting to accept it, i hobbled behind some bushes to come to terms with the situation. my mind and my heart wanted so badly to keep going but my body so clearly did not. i cursed at it, pleaded with it, tried to trot a few more steps on it. with a tear in my eye i turned my back to the lake and began the humiliating walk home.

my right knee originally flared up after my 24 miler in those (evil) brooks two weeks ago. i think it was a combination of that run and my nagging hip that aggravated the tendons/ligaments on the inside/back of the knee that i am now sitting here trying to figure out what to do with.

for those who run, i don't think i need to express how maddeningly frustrating this is. my livelihood has existed on my ability to run. it is my escape from the stresses of school. it wakes me up every morning. it even justifies my excuse to eat food all day. without it i feel lost, irritable, and otherwise depressed.

i think i can kiss my entry in the newport marathon (may 30) a bittersweet farewell. if anyone has any suggestions or advice for me, i would really appreciate it. at this point i just want to be healthy enough to run when spring classes end and summer break arrives. i suppose i could start by putting the valuable lesson that i am not invincible through my thick skull.

chock it up for rehab

here i sit; a bowl of raisin bran lies before me and a slab of ice is tucked between my waistband and my right butt-cheek. i'm four days in and operation rehab has been my most diligent (and maddening) effort to rid myself of an injury, ever. there are a few observations i've made thus far:

1. proper ibuprofen technique: pop it like candy
i have always been hesitant to take medication of any kind and for any reason simply because i believe in the resilience of the human immune system. i guess i assume if i eat the right things and hit all my food groups, my body will adapt and take care of itself just fine (the ultimate biological negative feedback system, for those engineers out there). well this theory works to some extent, but some say vitamin-i increases the effectiveness of ice in swelling reduction. thus i have been throwing down the little 200mg pills with gusto, and it does seem to have an effect.

ibuprofen

2. an hour of running != an hour of cardio on a machine
while out for an hour run, i choose to rely not on heart rate to set my pace, but instead on perceived effort. i like to straddle the threshold that spans comfort and discomfort, leaning one way or the other based on the day's objectives and conditions. this always results in a certain level of workout satisfaction, (perhaps determined by the endorphins swimming around in my brain?). well to reach a similar state by means of a stationary bike, rowing machine, eliptical, etc is downright frustrating. i have difficulty reaching the aforementioned threshold, typically restrained not by my aerobic capacity but a weak muscle-group unrelated to running. thus my gym workouts have been lasting 2.5 to 3 times longer than my weekday runs!

3. thermal cycling feels good
aside from the ice pack currently numbing my loins, i have also experimented with the sauna this week. yes, the sauna is full of wrinkly, naked seniors but it's not so bad. it took a good 5 to 10 minutes for my pores to open up, then suddenly i was a bubbling fountain of saline. after 30 minutes, i hopped into a cold shower and for the rest of the day i felt about as spry as i ever have; the heat definitely loosened up my joints and muscle fibers.

where i am

4. you really can get addicted to running
i guess by addicted i mean truly, truly dependent. until this week, i had made the morning run part of wake-up routine. something about getting my heart rate up less than 15 minutes after climbing out of bed and before eating anything revved up my metabolism and left me feeling energetic (albeit hungry) for the rest of the day. without this daily kick, i'm left wallowing in lethargy through my morning classes, pining for a nap. if my gym workouts didn't last so long, i would move them to the morning but there simply isn't enough time between when they open and my first class.

where i'd rather be

5. i am short-tempered and irritable without my run
finally, i'd like to extend an apology to everyone i've been snide with this week; you simply have to understand my plight. i am so frustrated with my hip, the gym, not running, that it truly affects my personality. i'm not sure if i can do this for a second week, therefore i will likely head out for a test run this weekend. the hard part will be restraining the urge to go all out since i really do feel well-rested now. although the hip has made some progress, history shows it will just flare up again the morning after i run on it -- again.

what to choose? run on a gimp leg and retain my sanity or rightfully heal the damn nuisance and send myself to the asylum...